Your blog post
6/9/202610 min read
There comes a point when many women realize they're no longer sure what they think, what they want, or what they feel. Not because they're incapable, not because they are broken. But because somewhere along the way, they learned to listen to everyone else before listening to themselves.
Maybe you find yourself asking multiple people for advice before making a decision. Maybe you replay conversations for days. Maybe you know something feels off, but you talk yourself out of it because you don't want to upset anyone.
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone.
The good news is that self-trust isn't something you either have or don't have. It's a relationship you can rebuild. Chances are, the part of you that knows what is true hasn't disappeared at all. It's simply been buried beneath years of noise.
How to Start Trusting Yourself Again After Years of Doubting Yourself
By Lisa J. Buhman - Becoming Sanctuary
If you've spent years second-guessing yourself, overthinking decisions, or relying on other people's opinions more than your own, you're not alone. This guide explains why self-trust fades and how to rebuild it one small step at a time.
In This Article
What Does It Mean to Trust Yourself?
Why Do So Many Women Stop Trusting Themselves?
What Are the Signs You No Longer Trust Yourself?
Why Overthinking Makes Self-Trust Harder
How Do You Start Rebuilding Self-Trust?
What If You Still Feel Fear?
Self-Trust Is Built One Small Choice at a Time
What Does It Mean to Trust Yourself?
Self-trust is believing that what you notice, feel, and know deserves your attention.
Many people think self-trust means always knowing the right answer. It doesn't.
If that were true, none of us could trust ourselves because we're all going to make a mistake at some point.
Self-trust isn't about being right all the time. It's definitely not about having complete certainty before you take action.
It's about being willing to listen to yourself. It's paying attention when something feels right and when something feels off.
It's trusting your own observations instead of immediately talking yourself out of them.
Often, women confuse self-trust with confidence. We think we need to become more confident before we can trust ourselves.
I've found it's usually the opposite. Confidence grows because of self-trust.
Every time you listen to yourself, honor a boundary, make a decision, or follow through on something you know is true for you, you're building evidence.
You're teaching yourself that your vice matters.
Over time, those small moments start to add up.
That's really what self-trust is. Not having all the answers. Just being willing to stay connected to yourself while you figure it out.
Why Do So Many Women Stop Trusting Themselves?
Most women don't wake up one day and decide to stop trusting themselves. It usually happens slowly. A little at a time. Often, without us even realizing it's happening.
Very few of us were ever told outright, "Don't trust yourself."
Instead, we received messages that taught us to trust ourselves less.
Be Nice. Don't be difficult.
Think about how everyone else feels. Don't upset people.
Keep the peace. Don't be too emotional.
Be agreeable
For many women, these messages start early and get repeated often enough that they become automatic.
You notice something feels wrong, but someone tells you you're overreacting.
Your feelings get hurt, but someone says you're too sensitive.
You have an opinion, but keeping everyone happy feels safer than speaking up.
After a while, you start looking outside yourself for answers.
Not because you're weak
Not because you're incapable.
Because you've learned that other people's opinions seem to carry more weight than your own observations.
I remember a moment years ago when someone asked me a simple question.
"Do you want to go?"
Without even thinking, I answered, "I need to see what my husband is doing first."
The answer came out so quickly that it took me a moment to notice.
Then I remember thinking:
"WHAT?"
Not because there was anything wrong with considering another person's plans.
But because I had completely skipped over myself.
I hadn't stopped to ask what I wanted. I hadn't checked in with myself at all.
That moment wasn't really about going somewhere.
It showed me how easy it is to get disconnected from ourselves when we've spent years focusing on everyone else first.
I don't think I'm alone in that.
I've talked to so many women who know exactly what that feels like.
Women who are capable, responsible, and caring. Women who can tell you what everyone else needs.
But struggle when someone asks a simple question:
"What do you want?"
Over time, constantly putting yourself second creates distance between you and your own voice.
The good news is that self-trust isn't something that you've lost forever.
It's something you can reconnect with
Often, that starts by simply noticing where you've stopped listening to yourself.
What Are the Signs You No Longer Trust Yourself?
One of the tricky things about losing self-trust is that it doesn't always look the way people expect
Most women don't walk around thinking, "I don't trust myself."
Instead, it shows up in everyday moments.
You may find yourself:
Asking several people what they think before making a decision.
Replaying conversations long after they're over.
Worrying about making the wrong choice.
Ignoring red flags because you don't want to be unfair or judgmental.
Struggling to set boundaries.
Feeling guilty when you say no.
Looking for certainty before taking action.
Putting other people's feelings ahead of your own.
Wondering if you're overreacting
Feeling disconnected from what you actually want.
Many of these habits become so normal that we don't even question them.
We assume that's just who we are.
But often they're signs that we've gotten into the habit of looking outside ourselves for answers instead of checking in with ourselves first.
The good news is that if you've learned to doubt yourself, you can learn to trust yourself again.
It starts by noticing.
Why Overthinking Makes Self-Trust Harder
Overthinking often makes self-trust harder because the more we look outside ourselves for certainty, the harder it becomes to hear our own voice.
The interesting thing about overthinking is that it usually starts with good intentions.
Most of us aren't overthinking because we're trying to make ourselves miserable.
We're overthinking because we're trying to feel safe.
If I think about this long enough, maybe I can avoid making a mistake.
If I go over every possibility, maybe nobody will get hurt.
If I can just figure out the right answer, then I'll know what to do.
The problem is that overthinking rarely brings the certainty we're looking for.
Instead, it often creates more questions.
You start with a reasonable concern
Then you think through all the possible outcomes.
Then you start questioning your conclusion.
Then you wonder if you're seeing the situation clearly.
Then you ask someone else what they think.
Before long, you're more confused than when you started.
I've found that overthinking is often less about the decision itself and more about emotional safety.
Many women learned early to pay attention to everyone's reactions, moods, and needs. We learned that making the wrong choice might lead to conflict, disappointment, criticism, or rejection.
So our minds try to protect us by searching for certainty.
Most decisions don't come with guarantees.
If we're waiting until we know exactly how everything will turn out, we'll often stay stuck.
What I've noticed is that clarity usually doesn't arrive before we move forward.
It often arrives because we move forward.
Sometimes self-trust looks like taking the next step without having every answer.
Not because you're certain.
But because you're learning to trust that you'll be able to handle whatever comes next.
How Do You Start Rebuilding Self-Trust?
The good news is that rebuilding self-trust usually doesn't require a dramatic life change.
Most of the time, it starts with small moments, small choices, small acts of paying attention.
Self-trust can feel so far away because we often think we need to make a huge change before we can reconnect with ourselves.
That is rarely how it works.
It starts by listening.
Noticing your reactions.
Noticing what feels good and what doesn't.
Noticing what gives you energy and what leaves you feeling drained.
Noticing what feels peaceful and what feels heavy.
You don't have to do anything with those observations. Just begin paying attention.
I've learned that self-trust grows through experience.
Every time you listen to yourself and follow through, you gather evidence.
Evidence that your voice matters.
Sometimes that looks suprisingly simple.
Taking the walk you said you would take.
Getting the rest you know you need.
Drinking the water.
Keeping a promise to yourself instead of putting it off for another day.
Those moments may not seem like much, but they add-up.
Self-trust starts to show up in the pause.
Many of us have gotten so used to the automatic yes that we don't stop and ask ourselves what we actually want.
Giving yourself permission to say
"Let me think about it."
"I'll get back to you."
"I need some time to decide."
This creates enough space for your own voice to show up.
I've also found that paying attention to what feels off is incredibly important.
Not because every uncomfortable feeling is intuition.
But because so many women have learned to explain away their own observations.
To talk themselves out of what they are noticing.
Sometimes your body picks up on something before your mind fully understands it.
Instead of immediately dismissing it, get curious.
Ask yourself:
"What am I noticing here?"
Finally, allow yourself to be imperfect.
A lot of women are waiting until they're making the right decision before they'll trust themselves.
But self-trust isn't built by being right all the time.
It's built by being willing to listen to yourself, make the best decision you can with the information you have, and trust that you'll learn whatever you need to learn along the way.
That's how self-trust grows.
Not through certainty.
But through staying connected to yourself.
What If You Still Feel Fear?
One of the biggest misconceptions about self-trust is that fear has to disappear before you can move forward.
It doesn't.
In fact, some of the most important decisions you'll ever make may come with a healthy amount of fear.
Fear is often present when we're stepping into something new.
A new relationship.
A new job.
A difficult conversation.
A big life change.
The unknown can feel uncomfortable because we don't know exactly how things will turn out.
When I was getting divorced, fear didn't magically disappear.
I wasn't suddenly fearless.
I didn't know exactly what life would look like on the other side.
I had questions and concerns.
I had moments where I wondered if I was making the right decision.
But underneath all of that was something else.
A quiet knowing that I would be okay.
Not because I had all the answers.
Not because I knew exactly what would happen.
But because I trusted that I would figure it out.
Looking back, I think that's an important distinction.
Many women believe they need to get rid of fear before they can trust themselves.
Self-trust isn't the absence of fear.
It's the confidence to move forward even when fear is present.
Sometimes the fear is there because you're doing something you've never done before.
It's there because the decision matters, or you're simply leaving what is familiar behind.
Fear doesn't mean automatically stop.
It doesn't mean you're making the wrong decision.
Sometimes it means you're on the edge of something new.
The goal isn't to eliminate fear.
The goal is to learn which voice deserves to make the decision.
More often than not, the loudest voice isn't the wisest one.
Self-Trust Is Built One Small Choice at a Time
I think a lot of people expect self-trust to come back all at once.
Like, there will be one breakthrough moment where suddenly everything feels clear, and they never doubt themselves again.
While those moments can happen, that's not usually how it works.
More often, self-trust returns quietly.
It comes back in small moments.
When you say no when you mean no.
You notice something feels off and allow yourself to pay attention.
When you stop asking five people what they think before you make a decision
When you honor a boundary instead of talking yourself out of it.
When you choose what is true for you, even if someone else doesn't understand.
None of those moments seemed particularly dramatic at the time.
But they add up.
Little by little, you begin building evidence that you can trust yourself.
Your observations matter.
That your feelings have value.
That your voice deserves a place in the conversation.
One day, you realize something has shifted.
You aren't looking outside yourself quite as often.
You aren't searching for quite as much certainty.
You aren't abandoning what you know to keep everyone else comfortable.
Not because you suddenly have all the answers
But because you've started listening to yourself again.
The more you listen, the easier it becomes to trust what you hear.
Final Thoughts
If there's one thing I hope you take away from this, it's that self-trust isn't something you have to earn.
It's not reserved for people who always make the right decisions.
It's not something that appears once you've healed everything, figured everything out, or become fearless.
More often, it's something we reconnect with.
Because the truth is, the part of you that knows what is right for you is probably still there.
It may have gotten quieter over the years.
It may have been buried beneath other people's opinions, expectations, fears, and advice.
That doesn't mean it's gone.
Learning to trust yourself again often starts with something much simpler than people expect.
It starts by paying attention.
Paying attention to what you're feeling.
What you're noticing.
What feels aligned.
What feels off?
And allowing those observations to matter.
Slowly, those moments of listening begin to rebuild the connection.
Before long, you realize you're no longer looking outside yourself for every answer.
You're beginning to hear your voice again.
Ready to Take the First Step?
If you've spent years second-guessing yourself, overthinking your decisions, or feeling disconnected from what you truly want, I created something for you.
I Want to Hear My Own Voice Again is a free guide designed to help you reconnect with yourself and begin rebuilding self-trust one step at a time.
And if you'd like ongoing support, I'd love to have you join Notes From the Sanctuary, my weekly newsletter where I share stories, reflections, and practical ways to come back to yourself, trust what you know, and remember that your voice matters too.
© 2025. All rights reserved.