The Quiet Ways You Leave Yourself Behind It's rarely one big decision. It's hundreds of small ones.
Blog post description.We don't usually leave ourselves behind in one big moment. It happens quietly—saying yes when we mean no, putting everyone else's needs first, and convincing ourselves we'll take care of ourselves later. In this Sanctuary Journal article, discover how these small, everyday choices can disconnect you from yourself and how simple acts of self-honoring can help you find your way back.
Lisa J Buhman
7/1/20269 min read
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The Quiet Ways You Leave Yourself Behind
Sometimes leaving yourself behind doesn't happen in a dramatic moment.
It happens over dinner.
The other night I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and gravy for dinner.
It was supposed to be just my husband and me
As I was serving, two people showed up unexpectedly
Without thinking about it, I adjusted.
I stretched what we had,
I made sure everyone else had meatloaf.
I had mashed potatoes.
I didn't say anything
No one noticed
They probably assumed I had already eaten or simply wasn't hungry.
Why would they think anything different
I never gave them a reason to.
The funny thing is, I wasn't upset about the meatloaf.
In that moment, making everyone else had enough felt natural
It was automatic
Later, though, I realized the dinner wasn't about dinner at all.
It was another quiet example of something I've been doing for years
Not because someone asked me to
Not because someone told me I couldn't have the meatloaf
Somewhere along the way, I learned to make sure everyone else was
taken care of before I considered myself
That's what leaving yourself behind often looks like
It's not usually one big sacrifice
It's dozens of small moments where your needs quietly slip to the bottom of the list
You tell yourself you'll eat later
You'll rest later
You'll take care of yourself when everything is done
One small choice never feels like much
But over time, each of those small choices turns into a way of living
Before you realize it, you become a supporting character in your own life.
It Doesn't Look Like Self-Abandonment
What Does It Mean to Leave Yourself Behind?
When "I'm Fine" Isn't True
The Cost
Coming Back to Yourself
What Healthy Relationships Look Like
Reflection
What's In This Article
The Small Ways We Leave Ourselves Behind
What Does It Mean to Leave Yourself Behind?
Leaving yourself behind doesn't usually happen because you make one big decision to ignore yourself.
It happens quietly.
It happens in the small choices that seem harmless on their own.
Have you ever wanted to paint your nails but told yourself you'd do it after the laundry was washed?
The laundry gets washed.
Then it's folded.
Then it's put away.
But now it's time to start dinner.
"I'll do it after we eat."
Dinner is over.
As you're washing the dishes, you're already thinking about what color you're going to choose.
Then someone remembers they have a school project due tomorrow.
So you stay up until one in the morning helping them finish it.
Your nails can wait.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Tomorrow comes.
The pattern repeats.
It probably isn't nail polish for you.
Maybe it's reading a book.
Taking a walk.
Sitting quietly with your coffee.
Calling a friend.
Working on a hobby you love.
Or simply sitting still for fifteen minutes without someone needing something from you.
Whatever it is, it always seems to come after everything else.
The problem isn't that you occasionally put someone else's needs before your own.
Life requires that sometimes.
The problem is when your needs are always the ones that move to the bottom of the list.
Little by little, you stop asking yourself what you want.
You stop noticing what your body needs.
You stop making space for the things that help you feel like yourself.
Without realizing it, you've become the supporting character in your own life.
The interesting part is this: every time I do stop and paint my nails, the laundry still gets done.
Dinner still gets made.
The world doesn't fall apart.
In fact, my body settles into itself. I feel calmer, more present, and things often seem to flow more easily.
Leaving yourself behind isn't about nail polish.
It's about believing your needs can always wait.
Coming back to yourself begins the moment you realize they don't always have to.
It Doesn't Look Like Self-Abandonment
Here's the tricky part.
When you're in the middle of it, it doesn't feel like you're leaving yourself behind.
It feels like you're being responsible.
The laundry needs to get done.
Dinner needs to be made.
The bills need to be paid.
The dog needs to be fed.
The kids need help.
The list never really ends.
So, of course, your nails can wait.
Your walk can wait.
Your quiet cup of coffee can wait.
You tell yourself you're simply doing what needs to be done.
Some people even call it being a grown-up.
And they're not entirely wrong.
Being an adult comes with responsibilities.
There are days when someone else's needs really do come first.
But there's a difference between being responsible and believing your needs should always come last.
Our minds are incredibly good at convincing us that putting ourselves off one more time is the right thing to do.
"I'll rest when everything is finished."
"I'll eat later."
"I'll do something for myself this weekend."
"After this project..."
"After the holidays..."
"When life slows down..."
Except life rarely slows down.
There's almost always another load of laundry.
Another meal to cook.
Another phone call.
Another person who needs something.
(And let's be honest... some of our husbands really might survive if we skipped cooking one night. They may not like cereal for dinner, but they probably won't starve. 😄)
The danger isn't in being responsible.
The danger is when responsibility becomes the reason you never include yourself.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that taking care of ourselves was optional, while taking care of everyone else was expected.
But if you're constantly pouring into everyone around you without ever refilling yourself, eventually there isn't much left to give.
Being responsible shouldn't require you to disappear from your own life.
You deserve a place on your own to-do list, too.
The Small Ways We Leave Ourselves Behind
We leave ourselves behind every time we:
Don't polish our nails
Put the laundry first
Say yes when we meant no
Putting yourself last on the list
Waiting for permission to decide or do something
How many more can you come up with? If you'd like email me and I'll had then to next week
When "I'm Fine" Isn't True
How many times has someone asked how you were today?
How many times did you answer, "I'm fine," without even thinking about it?
It's almost automatic.
The kitchen could be on fire.
The dog could have run away.
Your to-do list is a mile long.
You're exhausted, overwhelmed, and wondering how you're going to get everything done...
"I'm fine."
Believe it or not, we aren't supposed to be fine all the time.
We're human.
Some days are hard.
Some days are messy.
Some days we're grieving, frustrated, worried, or simply tired.
There is nothing wrong with saying,
"I'm having a rough day."
"I'm struggling with this right now."
"I'm overwhelmed."
"I'm working through something."
Notice I didn't say you have to tell everyone your life story.
Not everyone has earned that level of vulnerability.
But before you automatically answer, "I'm fine," ask yourself a different question.
Am I actually fine?
Not the answer that's easiest.
Not the answer that makes everyone else comfortable.
The honest answer.
Sometimes you really are fine.
And sometimes you're carrying so much that you've forgotten what fine even feels like.
Leaving yourself behind isn't only about ignoring your need for rest or putting everyone else's needs first.
Sometimes it's ignoring your own emotional reality.
Sometimes it's pretending you're okay because you've gotten so used to carrying everything quietly.
Coming back to yourself starts with something surprisingly simple.
Being honest with yourself first.
Because if you can't admit to yourself that you're struggling, you'll never give yourself permission to receive the care you so freely give everyone else.
The Cost
I'll be the first to admit that I used to think I had a temper.
Last week, I absolutely blew a gasket over a lost sock.
Yes, a sock.
Not a favorite sock.
Not an expensive sock.
Just an ordinary white sock that would have matched a dozen others in the drawer.
I ranted.
I complained.
I declared I was never doing laundry again.
Maybe you've had a moment like that.
Maybe it wasn't a sock.
Maybe it was someone loading the dishwasher wrong, a spill on the floor, or not being able to find your keys.
Whatever it was, you knew your reaction didn't match the situation.
It wasn't pretty.
The next morning, I was right back where I said I'd never be again.
Doing the laundry.
As I stood there sorting clothes, something occurred to me.
I wasn't angry about the sock.
The day before, I had said yes too many times.
I'd agreed to things I didn't really want to do.
I'd ignored the quiet voice inside me that was asking for a break.
I felt it early in the day, but instead of listening, I did what I'd done for years.
I pushed it down.
"It's fine."
"I'll deal with it later."
"I can handle one more thing."
Except those feelings didn't disappear.
They waited.
By the time I couldn't find that sock, it wasn't really about laundry anymore.
The sock was simply the last straw.
My body had been trying to get my attention all day.
When I ignored the whispers, it finally shouted.
I don't believe our bodies work against us.
I think they're constantly communicating with us.
Exhaustion.
Headaches.
An upset stomach.
Tight shoulders.
A short fuse.
Sometimes these aren't just random inconveniences.
Sometimes they're invitations to stop and ask ourselves a simple question:
Where have I been leaving myself behind?
For me, the answer wasn't hidden in the laundry basket.
It was hidden in every time I ignored what I already knew I needed.
That's the cost of leaving yourself behind.
It isn't just that you become tired.
It's that eventually your mind and body begin asking to be heard in whatever way they can.
The good news is that we don't have to wait until we lose it over a sock.
We can start listening while the voice is still quiet.
Coming Back to Yourself
The beautiful thing about leaving yourself behind is that you can always find your way back.
Not all at once.
Not with one big decision.
But one small choice at a time.
For me, it might look like painting my nails before the laundry is finished.
Sitting outside with my morning coffee for a few extra minutes.
Taking a walk.
Saying, "I can't do that today."
Or simply admitting that I'm not fine.
None of those things are life-changing on their own.
But together, they send a powerful message.
I matter, too.
Here's something I've noticed.
When I choose myself in healthy ways, the laundry still gets done.
Dinner still gets made.
The dishes still get washed.
The world doesn't fall apart.
In fact, something unexpected happens.
My body settles into itself.
I feel calmer.
More patient.
More present.
The things that once felt rushed or overwhelming begin to flow more easily.
The people around me don't get less of me.
They get a better version of me.
One that isn't running on empty.
One that isn't quietly keeping score.
One that isn't waiting until a lost sock becomes the final straw.
I've also learned something else.
The people who truly have your best interests at heart aren't threatened when you begin taking care of yourself.
They're happy to see you come into your own.
They celebrate your growth.
They cheer for your peace.
They want you to be well because they love all of who you are—not just what you do for them.
Coming back to yourself doesn't mean you stop caring for others.
It means you finally include yourself in the care you've been giving away so freely.
Maybe today, coming back to yourself is as simple as asking one question before you automatically say yes, before you push your feelings aside, or before you tell someone you're "fine."
What do I need right now?
Listen for the answer.
It may be quiet.
It may be unfamiliar.
But it's been there all along, patiently waiting for you to come home.
Reflection Questions
If you have the time, now or later, take a moment and ask yourself:
Where have I quietly left myself behind?
What have I been saying "I'm fine" about?
What is one small way I can include myself today?
Am I supporting everyone else's story while forgetting I'm the main character of my own?
Coming Back to Yourself
Perhaps coming back to yourself isn't one big, life-changing moment.
Maybe it's much quieter than that.
It could be eating the meatloaf while it's still hot.
Having beautifully painted nails while you're doing the laundry because you decided you mattered, too.
It could be saying no without feeling guilty or believing you owe someone a long explanation.
It could be admitting you're not fine when you're not.
It could be taking ten quiet minutes before the day begins simply to check in with yourself.
None of these things are dramatic.
Most people looking from the outside probably wouldn't even notice.
But you would.
Because every one of those small choices says the same thing:
"I haven't left myself behind today."
It's okay to help people.
It's okay to say yes.
It's okay to be generous, kind, and supportive.
Just not all the time.
And not without checking in with yourself first.
I've learned that when I do that, something shifts.
My body settles into itself.
I feel calmer.
Things don't magically become easier, but they do seem to flow more effortlessly.
The laundry still gets done.
Dinner still gets made.
The people I love are still cared for.
The difference is that now, I'm caring for myself, too.
Maybe that's what becoming a sanctuary really means.
Not choosing yourself instead of everyone else.
Simply remembering that you belong at the table, too.
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