You Don't Have to Earn the Good Part of the Day

The other morning I woke up and thought, I want to go to the lake today.

It was supposed to be warm, we didn't have anything going on, and we've reached that part of August in Montana where I know there aren't that many lake days left.

So naturally, instead of just deciding to go to the lake, I started thinking about everything I should probably do first.

There were dishes in the sink.

There's always laundry.

I needed to make another Instagram post.

I could work on the business.

I'm sure if I'd walked around the house long enough, I could have found another ten things that needed done.

That's not particularly difficult around here. LOL.

So I asked myself the question I usually ask when I'm trying to decide whether I can take the day off:

Is there anything I need to do today, or can I go to the lake?

Dishes.

Laundry.

Instagram.

Business.

Wait.

I didn't ask what I should do.

I asked what I needed to do.

So I went through the list again.

Were there any deadlines?

No.

Did anything actually have to be done that day?

Not really.

Did we have enough clean forks to eat dinner?

Yes.

Did everybody have clean underwear for tomorrow?

Also yes.

Well, okay then.

Apparently the household could survive without me doing laundry for another day. LOL.

I decided to go to the lake.

You would think that would be the end of it.

It wasn't.

On the way there, another list started.

Now I was thinking about everything I'd have to do when I got home. How much further behind I'd be. How I was wasting time when I was trying to build a business.

Then came one of those particularly helpful thoughts:

You don't deserve a business if you can't even get your posts done.

Well, that's not dramatic at all.

I've gotten better at noticing something when my brain starts talking to me like that.

It says you.

You should.

You need to.

You don't deserve.

That's usually my first clue that maybe I should stop treating whatever it's saying as the absolute truth.

So I reminded myself that skipping an Instagram post to spend a day at the lake was probably not going to bring down the entire business.

And I kept driving.

By the time I got to the lake, I wasn't thinking about any of it.

I walked out into the water as far as I could and stood there.

I do this almost automatically when I'm near water.

Water has always been grounding for me.

I stand there for a while and let everything settle. All the stress, all the things I've been carrying around in my head, all the pieces of me that seem to get scattered everywhere when I'm busy taking care of life.

It's almost like gathering all of me back to myself.

Then I looked for pretty rocks.

I swam.

I sat in the sun.

I didn't accomplish a single thing.

And I had a really good day.

The funny thing is, I didn't go to the lake because I thought it would ground me.

I didn't go because taking a break would make me more productive when I got home.

I didn't decide I needed some self-care.

I went because I wanted to go to the lake.

And somewhere between standing in the water and looking for pretty rocks, I started wondering when that stopped being a good enough reason.

In This Article

• The Difference Between Need and Should

• The Good Part Can’t Always Wait

• When Guilt Comes Along for the Ride

• The Treadmill Never Ends

The Difference Between Need and Should

Write your textI've been thinking about that question since then.

What do I actually need to do today?

It sounds simple until I try to answer it.

Because apparently my brain has a very loose definition of the word need.

I need to do the laundry.

Do I?

Or would it just be nice to have the laundry done?

I need to make an Instagram post.

Again, do I?

Will Instagram send someone to my house to confiscate my account if I don't post today?

Probably not.

There are definitely things in my life that really do need to happen.

Bills have due dates.

People are depending on me.

Sometimes we're down to the last clean fork.

Those are pretty easy to figure out.

It's everything in between that gets me.

The things that need to be done eventually somehow start feeling like they need to be done now.

And once enough of those pile up, I can spend an entire day taking care of things that weren't actually urgent and still end the day feeling like I didn't get enough done.

That's a strange little trick.

I can do dishes, wash clothes, answer messages, work on the business, make dinner and clean something that probably didn't need cleaned in the first place.

Then look around at what's left and think:

I didn't get much done today.

Meanwhile, I've been doing things all day.

I think that's where the word should gets me.

Should doesn't really have an ending.

There's always something else I should do.

I should post more consistently.

I should keep the house cleaner.

I should get ahead instead of just keeping up.

I should answer that message.

I should finish that project.

I should probably organize that one cupboard that attacks me every time I open it.

And none of those are necessarily bad ideas.

That's what makes should so convincing.

Most of the time it's suggesting perfectly reasonable things.

But if I let every reasonable thing become something I need to do before I'm allowed to go enjoy myself, I'm going to be waiting a long time.

Because there is always another reasonable thing I could be doing.

I'm not interested in ignoring my responsibilities.

I like having clean clothes.

I prefer eating dinner with a fork.

And I really do want my business to succeed.

But I'm starting to question the idea that taking those things seriously means they have to come before everything I enjoy.

Maybe being responsible isn't doing everything that could possibly be done before I let myself have some fun.

Maybe it's knowing what really needs me today, taking care of that, and trusting that some of the rest can wait.

I'm getting better at that.

Not perfect.

I still occasionally have to remind myself that nobody's life has ever fallen apart because there were towels in the dryer overnight.

At least I don't think so. here...

The Good Part Can't Always Wait

The funny thing about most of the things on my should list is that they're incredibly patient.

The laundry will wait.

So will the dishes.

Trust me. I've tested this. LOL.

They don't disappear if I don't get to them today. They don't even seem particularly offended.

Most of the things I spend my time worrying about will still be there tomorrow.

The good parts don't always work that way.

A warm August afternoon in Montana doesn't wait.

Neither does an invitation to go somewhere, a beautiful evening, a dog who suddenly wants to play, or one of those moments when your favorite song comes on and you feel like turning it up way too loud.

They happen when they happen.

And I've been thinking about how often we ask those things to wait while we take care of something that would have waited just fine.

I'll sit outside after I finish this.

I'll go when I get caught up.

I'll read for a while tonight if I have time.

Maybe this weekend.

Maybe next week.

There isn't anything particularly wrong with that.

Sometimes things really do need to come first.

But I think I've spent a lot of my life assuming the good part should automatically be the thing that moves.

Work has to happen now.

The dishes have to happen now.

Someone needs something, so that happens now.

The thing I want?

That can wait.

Except sometimes it can't.

We're getting toward the end of summer here in Montana.

There will be another summer next year, of course.

But there won't be another this summer.

There won't be another exactly-this-temperature, exactly-this-afternoon, I-feel-like-going-to-the-lake-today.

I can go another day.

But that's not quite the same thing, is it?

Because the thing I wanted wasn't go to the lake sometime.

I wanted to go that day.

I think that's something I've missed when I've told myself I'll do something later.

Later sounds like a guarantee.

It isn't.

Sometimes later comes and it rains.

Sometimes something else needs you.

Sometimes you're tired.

Sometimes you don't feel like doing it anymore.

And sometimes you keep saying later so many times that you eventually stop asking.

That's the part that bothers me.

Not because I think we should drop everything every time something sounds fun.

We'd probably have no clean underwear at that point, and we've already established that clean underwear does make the need list. LOL.

But I don't want everything I enjoy to automatically be considered less important than everything I could accomplish.

I don't want the good parts of my life to become something I keep scheduling for after my real life is finished.

Because this is my real life.

The lake is part of it.

Sitting in the sun is part of it.

Looking for pretty rocks is part of it.

So are the dishes and the business and the laundry.

I think maybe I've been treating those like two different lives.

There's the responsible life I'm supposed to take care of.

And then there's the enjoyable one I get to have when I've done a good enough job with the first one.

But there isn't a separate life waiting for me after I've finished this one.

It's all happening at the same time.

And maybe the good part doesn't always need to be the part that waits.

When Guilt Comes Along For the Ride

The decision to go to the lake doesn't always mean I'm completely done thinking about everything I didn't do.

On the way there, I can start calculating.

Now I'll have to do the laundry tomorrow.

I still need to make that Instagram post.

I'm going to have twice as much to do when I get home.

Look how far behind I'm getting.

And if I let it keep going, eventually I can get all the way to:

You don't deserve a business if you can't get your posts done.

Seriously?

I skipped an Instagram post.

I didn't embezzle money from the company. LOL.

But that's how fast it can happen.

One thing I didn't get done becomes everything I'm behind on, which becomes everything I'll have to make up for, which somehow becomes a judgment about whether I deserve the business at all.

I've gotten better at catching it before I follow it too far.

One of the things that gets my attention is the word you.

You don't deserve.

You wasted too much time.

Look at how much you have to do now.

I've noticed that before.

There's a lot of you in my head when I'm overwhelmed.

You should.

You need to.

You'd better.

My own voice usually sounds more like:

I think.

I want.

I don't want.

And that morning it had been pretty clear.

I want to go to the lake.

So when the you don't deserve a business stuff started, I noticed it for what it was.

Something in my head was being awfully dramatic about an Instagram post.

That doesn't mean I tell myself none of my work matters.

Of course it matters.

I want this business to work.

There are things I need to do consistently if I want that to happen.

But missing one post because I went to the lake doesn't say anything about whether I deserve to have a business.

It means I missed a post.

That's it.

Once I get to the lake, I'm usually pretty good.

I can get in the water, look for rocks, swim, sit in the sun and actually be there.

It's the drive home that can get me again.

That's when I remember everything waiting.

And I can feel that little almost-panicky feeling start.

Look at everything you have to catch up on now.

If I'm not paying attention, I can turn a really good day into something I have to make up for.

That's the loop I'm trying to catch.

Because what exactly am I making up for?

I checked before I left.

Nothing urgent was being ignored.

Nobody went without something they needed because I went swimming.

I made a decision that something could wait.

Then I had a good day.

Why does that create a debt?

I think that's the part I've been noticing lately.

Sometimes I let myself do the fun thing, but somewhere in my head I'm still keeping score.

I took the day off, so tomorrow I need to work harder.

I didn't get enough done today, so I need to make up for it.

I enjoyed myself when there was work I could have been doing, so now I owe something.

That's not really letting the good part be part of my life.

It's borrowing it.

And I don't want to borrow my own life and spend the next day paying it back.

There will still be work when I get home.

That's okay.

Some of it will need to be done.

Some of it will probably turn out to be another should.

I'm getting better at figuring out which is which.

And I'm getting better at reminding that very dramatic voice in my head that going to the lake for a day is not a business emergency.

Although apparently it would like to speak to management.

The Treadmill Never Ends

I think one of the reasons it's so easy to keep putting the good part off is because we honestly believe we're going to get caught up.

Just get through this week.

Get the laundry done.

Finish this project.

Get ahead on work.

Take care of what everybody needs.

Then things will settle down.

Except they don't.

Normal life doesn't really have a finish line.

You finish the dishes and then somebody eats.

Honestly, the nerve. LOL.

You wash all the clothes while everybody in the house is wearing the beginning of the next load.

I can get an Instagram post done today and feel pretty good about it, but at some point I'm going to need another one.

Then another one.

That's how life works.

The best way I can describe it is a treadmill.

You can walk faster.

You can work harder.

You can get really good at keeping up.

But you're still walking.

There's no magical spot somewhere ahead where you finally step off and somebody hands you a certificate saying:

Congratulations. Everything is done. You may now enjoy your life.

Even as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm looking out the window thinking I'd really like to go outside.

And do you know what my next thought was?

I'm almost done. I'll go when I finish this.

Seriously.

I'm writing an entire article about not waiting until everything is done before you let yourself enjoy your life...

while telling myself I'll go outside when I'm done.

Apparently I'm still a work in progress. LOL.

And maybe that's the point.

I'm probably always going to have that voice telling me to finish one more thing first.

I don't think I need to get rid of it.

I just need to notice when I'm listening to it again.

Because this blog will still be here if I go outside for twenty minutes.

The good part of the day is happening right outside my window.

At 57, I already have too many I wish I would haves.

Some are big.

Some probably wouldn't look important to anyone but me.

But they're still mine.

And I don't want to keep adding to them because I thought I needed to finish everything else first.

Because caught up isn't coming.

There will always be something.

Strangely, realizing that doesn't feel depressing to me.

It takes some of the pressure off.

If I'm never going to reach the end anyway, maybe I don't have to keep racing toward it.

I can decide what actually needs me today.

I can take care of my responsibilities.

I can work hard at something that matters to me.

And I can still go to the lake.

Or apparently, go sit outside.

Those things don't have to cancel each other out.

There has to be room for the good part somewhere in the middle.

While there are dishes in the sink.

While there's laundry waiting.

While there's another Instagram post I could make.

Because almost always, something can wait.

I'm just starting to think I need to be a little more careful about which things I keep asking to.

The laundry will wait.

The dishes will wait.

There will always be another thing I could get done.

But I don't get this particular day again.

At 57, I don't need any more I wish I would haves.

And I really don't want to spend the rest of my life saying:

I'm almost done.

I'd rather have a few more:

I'm glad I did.

Now I'm going outside

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